The (Former) Apartment

Breaking News: A Tropicana Exclusive

The following statement is true. For years our undercover investigators have been infiltrating Biola University, trying to figure out if the face it wears represents the true soul that lurks in the heart of the institution. What we have found may shock and disturb you.

Not to be viewed by children under the age of seventeen.

Biola Univeristy is run by a robot. Clyde Cook, Gary Miller, Carol Taylor--we may see these people as the head administration of the school, but they are mere holographic figureheads designed to put a human face on the cold, steel maw of Zorbitron V of the Braxis Nebula.

His methods? Insidious. Through the unhindered control of Biola's forms and regulations, he is in complete authority over all students and faculty. His purpose? Diabolical. Some may think that a robot like Zorbitron V would want to enslave the minds of the students and enforce his regime where conformity is law and free thought is punishable by death. This is not the case. Instead, he craves the chaos of disorder and the absolute ecstacy of confusion. He works at every turn to thwart the attempts of students to do normal, presumably simple administrative duties. Here are some actual recorded conversations that originated in his headquarters, the Metzger Building:

Do you need a transcript sent out? I'm sorry, you must fill out form X6729304#12. Which we are out of. Please come back later.

Oh, you need help with financial aid? Please submit a FAFSA form. You've already turned in three? I'm sorry, we don't have any on file. Have a nice day.

Too ridiculous to be believed? We thought so, too. But all doubts in our minds were shed when we intercepted this communique from Zorbitron V to all within his mind-hive:

Brothers and sisters in the Church of Disorder--we have just received word that Andrew McAlpine is trying to fill out his forms to study abroad next semester. It is imperative that he not be allowed to do so--at least not easily. Make sure that every form you give him is impossible to fill out, and make sure every department sends him to another department for approval. If we do this correctly, he will be so concerned about the details of his trip that he won't even enjoy his acceptance. Over and out, earth-bugs.

There you have it--a sad story for sad times. Keep watching, faithful viewers, as we undercover more about Zorbitron V and his evil plans. This is Samuel Nottaname, signing off.

~Andy

posted by the apartment @ 11:58 AM