The (Former) Apartment

Summer Days...

2005-07-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

...are indeed drifting away. It has been a long time since this blog has been updated, and even longer since it's served to communicate more than snippy remarks from member to member. Now we are all in our different places--Tim is in Gunnison, riding his rad new bike; Matt is in Africa, spending many of his hours glued to a camera; Fatz is in Iowa, narrowly avoiding arrest; and I am wasting my life at my parents' house in the OC. So, to our constant reader(s), we apologize--there's just not much to say. This is just a note to communicate I'm alive and well, and should something momentous happen I will definitely post it here. Adieu.

~Andy

In Defense

2005-06-01T16:03:00.000-07:00

I am sorry that my roommate of 3 years thinks that I don't know what the G-Spot is. I guess going to a public school instead of a private Christian school has sheltered me some but thanks for the help Matt.

'Tim'

P.S. My suspicions were confirmed about the cavities. I got 2, my first two amazingly.

My own peace of the pie...

2005-05-31T16:25:00.000-07:00

I figured since Tim chimed in on his whereabouts, I'd throw mine down. I'm currently in Burbank California getting some much needed R and R after an intense semester, and just before a grueling trip to Swaziland Africa. I was actually on my way back to Phoenix Monday morning when I get a call Sunday night at 11pm asking if I'll come in and do a day on "America's Next Top Model". Being a heterosexual male and a capitalist to boot, I say yes. I spend the day driving people from set to our parking garage and back (not interesting), but I also on these trips get to talk to the directors of the show (interesting) as well as drop off some top secret Tyra Banks mail (very interesting) and get to meet the models (very very interesting... and by that I mean arousing). I get back and crash at my dad's place in Burbank and decide instead of heading back to Phoenix so soon, I'll stay a few days. So here I stay. I bought some new DVDs, have eaten horribly, and have just rested for the long trip. I'll probably head back to Phoenix tommorrow... or not... we'll see.

-Kitchen

By the way, I don't think that Tim knows that G-Spot is a sexual
reference of sorts. He's very sheltered. For those offended, I apologize.
Tim is slow and doesn't know what he's saying half the time. Later.

In Search of Home

2005-05-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

So I am home. Not in Trop 212 no, I am home in Gunnison, Colorado aka the "G-Spot". If you've never heard of Gunnison then you must live in a cave because we are the "igneous rock intrusion capital of the world"! How did I get here? Let me tell you of my tale. I flew out Friday around 12:35 after waiting in a line that extended from Terminal 1 to Terminal 2 at LAX. My flight was delayed because the flight was overbooked. I would have gladly given up my seat for a $200 voucher but I was supposed to go to my cousin's high school graduation. Bummer, but oh well. I fly to Phoenix where I was supposed to hurry to catch my next flight to the G-Spot. Problem is there is a security lockdown inbetween me and the terminal I needed to get to. So I waited for 10 minutes and then we were allowed to pass. I get to my gate and there I discover that my flight has been delayed 2 hr's. So I could have taken the vouchers and still caught my flight but instead I am $200 poorer and instead of arriving at 6 pm I arrive at 8pm. Not a big issue until you realize that my cousin's graduation is 4 1/2 hours away in Denver. Again not a big issue until you realize that it starts at 9 AM! My parents give me my own room in the hotel which was cool but also give me a wake up call at 7AM, not cool. After the graduation my dad wants to take our cousins out to eat. Being from the south my dad wants to eat at Furr's. It's like a Home Town Buffet. I hate these places because they remind me of school cafeteria food. I however am able to gain the support of several of my cousins to change the eating place to something like Chile's. But ultimately the decision is up to the big graduate. I hear from his brother that earlier that day he said he didn't want to go to Furr's. However, upon a second inquisition the Grad decides he does want to go to Furr's. I believe there is some sort of recessive gene in my family that 1 out of 4 of my relatives have. After Furr's we make the 4 hr trip back to Gunnison. I have finally made it. The G-Spot never felt so good. Now my only problems are the dentist where i am almost positive he will find some cavities because I now have a few sweet toothe's, a check up with orthopedic surgeon where I will have to explain why I didn't keep up with my excercises and as a result cant bend my leg all the way, and at some point explain to my parents that I bought an XBOX at school (currently I have it downstairs where my brother is staying). It should be a fun summer. :)

'Tim'

Great Ball of Fire!!!

2005-05-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

I have no been so burned out in my entire life. They are, as we speak, offering $2000 to the student with the best short script that can be used for the Biola Film next semester. I've got absolutely nothing. I think I had a seizure from looking at the new yearbook. If you've seen it, you'd understand. But enough about me, Tim has been playing videogames for the better part of 4 days, and is not at all concerned about the fact that him and I will be homeless in August. It is good to see him around though, because last week was hell for him... probably because he spent 14 weeks slacking off, but who am I to judge? Andy might skip Star Wars midnight show because of school...WHAT!?! Have I entered some space time continu... continu... (looking it up in dictionary... I was right, someone was stupid enough to put two U's together in one word...) continuum. This defies all logic. Thankfully though, Fatz is Fatz, he still plays Halo until 2am, shirtless, with the stereo cranked as loud as possible. And yes I fractured my leg and decided that I didn't need ligaments in my ankle anymore. It's been an exciting couple weeks around here, which means that the apartment is absolutely disgusting. Besides that, I'd say we're all doing pretty well. I wish I had something more important to say, but I suppose an update is good enough. Hope you're all doing well. Talk to you all soon.

-Kitchen

By the way, right now Tim and Andy are totally on a date at the Universal Amphitheatre listening to the music of Final Fantasy.

Sexual Politics

2005-05-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

Another day, another dollar (or three), another Eagle's Nest breakfast burrito. The perfect food? Maybe. In fact, they are so good that I might have to file them as Exhibit Q in the case to prove God's existence. On the flipside of that, if God exists, then why didn't he create tater tots to grow in the wild? Now that would be benevolent.

I posited an interesting theory to Matt this evening--what would humanity accomplish if sex never existed? Assuming we could still reproduce in some manner (oops, I lost an arm... give it a few seconds... hey! it's another me), I initially thought we would have transcended to a higher plane of existence. If we spent as much time on science or art as we did on worrying about the opposite sex--or same sex, if that's your particular sausage--then the middle ages would have lasted about two hours. Or two MacGuyver episodes, because that would have been invented much earlier.

However, I changed my mind on this particular topic when I realized a crucial fact. This is big, wait for it. There is nothing we do that we do not do, at least subconsciously, to impress or woo the opposite sex--or same sex, if that's your plate of grits. Think about it. Plato? Poon-tang. Da Vinci? Da womens. Newton? Nookie. It works the opposite way, too. Cleopatra? Co... I'm not going to finish that. Heck, even Jesus kept that Mary Magdalene chick around. I'm sure he flexed when he was healing the lepers--see those guns?

Now, I'm pretty sure I neither believe this nor am I qualified to discuss biopsychology, but if I was only allowed to talk about things I know about, I'd be a whole lot quieter. I'm going to go listen to music.

~Andy

Song of the Day
"You Still Believe in Me" by M. Ward

The Beach Boys classic played instrumentally with folk instrumentation and a kickin' lo-fi recording. Simply amazing.

The Morning After, After

2005-05-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

The film festival is over. Whew. Fortunately it was very successful, running quickly and showcasing the films without too many technical issues. Fatz and I didn't embarrass ourselves (at least not by forgetting our lines, though I cannot vouch for what we said) and the whole apartment raked in the awards. I believe we won seven total, in which both Flipside and A Thousand Hearts are represented multiple times. We're trying to be as conspicuous as possible with the trophies without being total asses--Fatz suggested building a hanging shelf in the doorway that requires all visitors to bow under as they come in. I think that idea is awesome.

In other news, Matt broke his damn ankle playing basketball. He now hops around the apartment like an ungainly kangaroo and asks people to get stuff for him. I think the fine gentlemen that live below us want to crucify him. In any case, he is milking this far too much for me to think it was all an accident. I'm on to your game, Kitch.

Now that the film festival is over it's time for me to buckle down and seriously deal with the schoolwork that has been piling up on my desk (and my floor, and my car floor, and the common room, and the kitchen, etc.). In other words, I'm looking for a cheap ticket to Puerto Rico. In fact, I should be writing a paper right now, but I just can't force myself to put words on a page unless those words are narcissistic and web-published. I never seem to be at a loss for those.

~Andy

Let Me Tell You How It Is

2005-05-05T17:21:00.000-07:00

If there is one lesson I would like to leave with my professors before I leave Biola, it is this: there are two ways to guarantee my attendance in your class. First, you could have an incredibly strict policy that deducts points every day I'm absent from class. This has worked in the past, but here's fair warning--if you do this you are probably a total dick (or whatever the feminine equivalent would be). However, there is an easier, less painful way of doing things: just make sure you have at least one girl in the class who is utterly crush-worthy, and my attendance will skyrocket. I'm pretty sure my record will prove this theory true beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Our pal JT is visiting from Arizona, which is enjoyable as always. Now I think just about every couch in the apartment is filled with a sleeping person. We're kind of like a pride of lions that way, just flopping down in the common room and enjoying the cool breeze from the A/C (though the others might say it's too cool, they are highly wrong). Unfortunately, we probably smell just like that bunch of cats. Though we are less hairy. Most of us, anyway.

Personal odor aside, things are starting to come together for the Film Festival (any and all Biola students and their friends should attend), which is good, because it's in about two days. Fatz and I still haven't written our script--which is highly uncharacteristic--but I'm not too very concerned at this point. My only real goal is to avoid saying 'fuck' in front of my grandma. As long as that doesn't happen, I should be pretty happy with the festival. Hopefully I will be able to post pictures of the event.

~Andy

Website of the Day
Color Cell

Have you ever dreamed of pitting your own color combinations against others from around the world and battling it out on the internet? Me neither, but this is surprisingly fun. Check it out if you're bored (or avoiding work).

Life by the Numbers

2005-05-04T16:58:00.000-07:00

The statistics you can find nowhere else:

Classes attended today: 1
Episodes of Dawson's creek watched: 5
Cheesy Gordita Crunches consumed: 2
Rooms cleaned: 1
Papers finished: 0
Times groin was thrusted at roommates: 13
Beards shaved: 0
Articles of clothing currently worn: 0
Number of times personal worth was questioned: 1542

Ah, the thrill of college. I need to write papers before my teachers hunt me down and slay me with Swords of GPA (+ 2 against slackers). I continue to need to go grocery shopping and clean the dishes so as to have a place to cook the food I need to buy. On the plus side, my room is no longer a horrible hellhole of Inferno proportions.

Now, I must read literary theory and drink coffee. That always puts me in a good, scholarly mood. Cultural theory, here I come!

~Andy

I Don't Wanna Wait

2005-05-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

There's only one more month of school left, and I don't think anyone in the apartment is prepared to deal with the academic ramifications of this fact. Currently, our concerns deal mostly with film-festival related issues, as we are a film-y sort of bunch. Matt is getting sick of people calling and complaining about stuff, and Fatz and I have yet to actually work out what we are going to say once we get on stage. Tim is not particularly concerned. There is one obvious solution to this problem...

...and that is for me to purchase the fifth season of Dawson's Creek and watch as many episodes as possible to the neglect of every responsibility I might have. If there's something more rewarding than stuffing your face with popcorn as you watch the continuing exploits of those teenaged, sexually frustrated bundles of hormones, I'm probably not invited.

You might say "Andy, don't you have better things to do with your time than watch trite, predictable teen television?"

"Go to hell," I would respond.

Well, I'm off to class before too long. I'm getting tremendously tired of night classes. Hopefully the other guys will update soon, but I doubt it: Tim doesn't have a computer, Matt is perpetually enamored with MySpace, and I'm not sure Fatz can read. Sigh.

~Andy

Quote of the Day:
There are no save points when it comes to ladies, honey.

--from yesterday's (go figure) Questionable Content

PSA #1

2005-04-28T23:38:00.000-07:00

A friendly tip on home dining:

Cranberry sauce, while a delicious and affordable garnish to any holiday meal, should not be used as a meal substitute. If there are extreme circumstances and you must eat a meal composed of six-month old jellied cranberry, it is generally considered ill-mannered to eat it directly from the can with an old spoon.

Man, it's time to do some grocery shopping. Maybe I should spend more time doing that and less time creating meta-texts for this blog. I want to pick up some of that Trader Joe's rosemary bread--it's delectable.

~Andy

Disaster!

2005-04-25T23:53:00.000-07:00

We have grave news to report. It would appear Zorbitron V did not take to kindly to our expose (see the post for Apr. 21), and has decided to retaliate toward our forward-thinking heroes. In a cruel twist of fate, ridiculous financial and administrative issues have kept Matt, Tim, and Fatz from reserving a room in ye olde Tropicana for next year--the protagonists of this particular epic seem to be out on their royal asses. The hunt for a house/apartment begins next weekend, and we will surely keep you informed.

However, the spirit of Tropicana will live on in our hearts and in our loins (whatever that means). Will the Tropicana Experience cease to be? By Jove, sir, I think not! Even the word Tropicana does not refer to a place, but to a state of mind. In its original, uh, Dutch*, Tropicana means "to have constructed a seafoam house of love in your hearts." And that we have already done, and that they cannot take away from us.

~Andy

*This is not true.

Top 5 Geological Pickup Lines

2005-04-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

Tired of the same old pickup lines that produce the same disappointing results? Well, next time your at a bar, club, or even in the workplace, try one of these pickup lines. I guarantee unique results!

5) Hey baby, why don't we head back to my place and exfoliate?

4) Hey baby, why don't we make contact metamorphism with our tounges?

3) Hey baby, why don't we make like two techtonic plates and grind?

2) Hey baby, my muscles are harder than lithofied sediment.

1) Hey baby, I couldn't help but notice the spheroidal weathering of your buttox.

Tim

Breaking News: A Tropicana Exclusive

2005-04-21T11:58:00.000-07:00

The following statement is true. For years our undercover investigators have been infiltrating Biola University, trying to figure out if the face it wears represents the true soul that lurks in the heart of the institution. What we have found may shock and disturb you.

Not to be viewed by children under the age of seventeen.

Biola Univeristy is run by a robot. Clyde Cook, Gary Miller, Carol Taylor--we may see these people as the head administration of the school, but they are mere holographic figureheads designed to put a human face on the cold, steel maw of Zorbitron V of the Braxis Nebula.

His methods? Insidious. Through the unhindered control of Biola's forms and regulations, he is in complete authority over all students and faculty. His purpose? Diabolical. Some may think that a robot like Zorbitron V would want to enslave the minds of the students and enforce his regime where conformity is law and free thought is punishable by death. This is not the case. Instead, he craves the chaos of disorder and the absolute ecstacy of confusion. He works at every turn to thwart the attempts of students to do normal, presumably simple administrative duties. Here are some actual recorded conversations that originated in his headquarters, the Metzger Building:

Do you need a transcript sent out? I'm sorry, you must fill out form X6729304#12. Which we are out of. Please come back later.

Oh, you need help with financial aid? Please submit a FAFSA form. You've already turned in three? I'm sorry, we don't have any on file. Have a nice day.

Too ridiculous to be believed? We thought so, too. But all doubts in our minds were shed when we intercepted this communique from Zorbitron V to all within his mind-hive:

Brothers and sisters in the Church of Disorder--we have just received word that Andrew McAlpine is trying to fill out his forms to study abroad next semester. It is imperative that he not be allowed to do so--at least not easily. Make sure that every form you give him is impossible to fill out, and make sure every department sends him to another department for approval. If we do this correctly, he will be so concerned about the details of his trip that he won't even enjoy his acceptance. Over and out, earth-bugs.

There you have it--a sad story for sad times. Keep watching, faithful viewers, as we undercover more about Zorbitron V and his evil plans. This is Samuel Nottaname, signing off.

~Andy

Shenanigans & Goings-On

2005-04-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

I'm getting used to the screams of death that constantly spew from the television in the front room, which sort of bothers me. From my five-day Jade Empire binge--I just beat the game, but instead of pride I feel mostly a dark emptiness in my soul--to Fatz slaying zombies on Timesplitters to late-night viewings of Lethal Weapon, the testosterone level in this apartment is reaching dangerously high levels. Hopefully this will make up for Tim's ridiculously feminine body wash, my Dawson's Creek DVD collection, and Matt's... entire existence. Fatz is pretty externally manly, but he cries on the inside.

In other news, Matt just recently joined MySpace (extremely stupid) and has since been propositioned by about four billion girls (extremely not-stupid). In fact, his friend requests are so numerous he has been named the MySpace person of the day, or something of that nature. I continue to spend Saturday nights alone.

~Andy

Sanity in an insane world...

2005-04-20T01:14:00.000-07:00

I'm Matt. Unlike the rest of the guys here, I go to class, have a job, and am trying to do somethign with my life. Life in the apartment is pretty ridiculous... from Fatz vaccuuming the stove to Tim spending thousands on heroclix, Andy being naked and me talking about shit that no one cares about. We have a lot of fun. Today, we found out we'll be spending another year in the seafoam pleasure palace we call Tropicana. Andy will be exchanged for Jon Brown (maybe) but will be back in our hearts soon. So join us for the ride that never ends, and make sure that you tune in everyday for a possible new post from Trop 212 (until we stop writing on this thing in like 3 weeks). Late.

~Matthew

The Future Looks Bright

2005-04-19T22:39:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that this blog was started pretty late in the game, it looks like the moniker won't have to change much, at least anytime soon. A spot has been secured in Tropicana for next year, so this little chronicle can continue--with minor roster changes. The starting lineup swaps me for Jon Brown--a sexy hunk of man--while I spend next fall in Martha's Vineyard studying at the Contemporary Music Center. Hurrah for off-campus programs. Hopefully I will continue posting and we can have a beautiful bi-coastal dialogue. And after fall, who knows what will happen.

Hopefully one of the other guys will get around to posting, or my web-addiction will start to look downright silly.

~Andy

The Beginning...

2005-04-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

The stage is dark. Hushed whispers of anticipation float around the crowd. The curtain opens, and silence falls on the room. The lights awaken, casting an otherworldly glow on the stage. The setting is an ugly seafoam green building on the borders of Los Angeles County. Our heroes make their way to the front of the stage--the crowd gasps.

Tim, Matt, Andy, Fatz. The chosen four. Where will their wild adventures take them?

Only time will tell.

Every great saga has a beginning, and I'd like to think that's what this is. Maybe it's more like an opportunity for you, the casual internet browser. You will be privileged enough to see the inner workings of Tropicana 212, and not just the rusty plumbing or asbestos-filled walls--you will get to witness the pain, strife, drama, love, lust, and general apathy of four quasi-normal university students.

Strap yourself in and prepare for the ride. Also, bring some toilet paper, because we're almost out.

~Andy